Ain't Easy

It ain't easy to, you know start something out of nothing. Sometimes things just happens. I'm sure my life will turn out alright in future, or at least I hope it doesn't turn into a couture. I want to do something that changes my view of my life, do something that changes me, do something that may intrigue me. 

Dance has never failed to inspire me and trigger me into some sort of crazy trance. I just can't get enough of it but at times it pushes me to the edge.

I feel so lost nowadays, not knowing what I want and what I'm gonna do. Though assignments are due within these few days, I really just want to relax and chill my day away, you know, spend a day of doing nothing and just plain lazing around. Come to think of it, a day may be too long, a night would do fine, a peaceful and lovely night out. And though I'm trying to quit drinking and other unhealthy activities, drinking seems like a pleasant thing to do at times. Some days I feel like having a pint, maybe with some gourmet cheese or smoked cashew nuts to kill the night and maybe some good music playing all while i'm facing the night sky. Nothing fancy, but would be awesome to do.

Spending time with my friendly ghost is always pleasant, can't ever get enough of the friendly ghost. She amazing and i'm thankful for her presence.

Bright side

Though it's not the 19th, but I just feel like posting. I don't know why I do, but i just feel like. In life, we shouldn't let anyone or anything tell us we can't do something, or if we ain't good enough, if we want to go for it, why wait or hesitate?

Mixed emotions much when it comes to bboying. I guess i've never really understood how well or how hard i've practiced till i really think about it. Sunday (13th May), was the day where i joined SBDC (Singapore's Best Dance Crew) with 2 of my other friends. I feel like I've not done enough or really met up with my own expectations. I really need to work on it, i don't want to disappoint myself or anyone around me. 

Sometimes i feel like i've fallen into an abyss, an abyss of self thoughts, self expectations and self degradation. If i somehow don't meet my own expectation, i experience distress and discomfort, like what the self discrepancy theory suggests. I want to give my all when i'm doing something and not to have any regrets after i completed it. Same goes with my life, I don't want to think back 50 years from now and say "I've not done this.." "I've not done that..", i want to die without regrets, without any thoughts that would prove me that i've not done enough. 

oh well, i guess besides these self demeaning thoughts, there's always a bright side. Met someone special in my life, a person that brings meaning and purpose to my life; giving me a reason to wake up smiling or be happy when times are bad; have a smile that would instantly make my day. A wise guy once told me, when you found someone that would appreciate and sincerely treat you well for who you are, never let her go. And I sure as hell won't want to let you go.

For every other messed up matters, always look on the bright side. 

The friendly ghost;

I suppose life's taking a turn for me recently, certainly and most definitely for the better and yes, i'm really thankful and grateful for it. 

Though i missed the supposed date that i always post on, 19th of each month, i'm just gonna set it as 19th. Anyway, the origin of the "posting a post on the 19th" stems from posting a few posts on the 19th without any planning before that, coincidental i suppose. 

Back to the "life taking a turn for me" stuff, I got to meet amazing people this year and I'm really really glad i did. Though this year's gonna be a tough one for me, due to all the commitments and stuff, i foresee an exciting year and of course, i'm psyched. 

To summarize the past month, well, there was R16 Singapore, a korean originated bboy competition. I participated this competition with a few of my homies from the scene in the crew on crew category (8 on 8), just a really random decision to join which then gave birth to our team name "Random Squad". We made it to the Top 4, far beyond what we originally expected, further than what people thought we would and achieved what was thought impossible and for that, i'm thankful. I'm really proud of my team, my bros, because without them, the experience would have never been this dope.

"Random Squad" would be a thing for me to remember.

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Meeting the friendly ghost was just plain awesome.

Space out;

I've been spacing out a lot lately, like you know, daze and stare into space if i had the chance. Long bus rides or before i go to bed, i think. Think about what I could be, and think about what i do. It sorta serves as a self evaluation, in the sense that i evaluate myself to see if i've achieved what i want to achieve and have became what i want to become. Certain things that intrigues me and puts me into that sorta daze are namely, 1) Dance, 2) Life.

1) Dance

So what is it about Dance, something that i enjoy and love doing the most that intrigues me so much. Well, i care about what i do. I feel like if anyone's gonna do anything, they have to give it their all, not just some lousy and crappy excuse like "I'm just doing this for fun" so that they don't have to account to their craps and stuff.

What i really really want from Bboying is actually the sense of bliss and freedom, i suppose. When i'm grooving to the beat and the music, that's bliss; when i'm doing something that no one else thought of, that's freedom. It's actually the two things i wanted most out of my life after dad left me in 07. I have to admit i was really trying my best not to think about it, but at times i feel like i can't help it. So back to the point, why am i feeling stress about dance? The reason being, i don't think i have fully understood Bboying, we all watched documentary and have probably researched about the things we love to do, but what is it actually like to be there when it first began? If you didn't know the origins, then what's your purpose? That's something i think about a lot when the word Bboy appears in my mind.

2) Life

Of all the times i've blogged about my life, it has really just been a whole bunch of rants and shit. I suppose what i think about the most, is the family guy i may actually become in future. What kinda son would i be? What kinda friend am i? What university should i go? What kinda father would i like? What kinda husband would i be? What would i still be doing? What kinda employee or employer would i be like?

A bunch of questions just came out naturally when i ask myself about my life. Currently, i enjoy being in poly. Surrounded by friends and tutors, poly life is really the place i feel most comfortable (besides home), right now. But what comes after? That's a mystery.

Also, i'm starting to get used to my single life. Not that being single is not a good thing and all, i could name a bunch of pros about being single. But i feel like, just plain doing something stupid for someone knowing that you may or may not get anything in return. Have the endless and mindless notion in your head going "is she up yet?", "Will she text?", "am i bothersome?" stuff like that. They say the process of dating is so much better that the actual relationship, i have to say to a certain point i agree to that. When people are dating, there's nothing to argue about, there's nothing to disagree, nor is there anything we would not trade for each other's company. The simple jubilation of seeing each other would practically lighten up the rest of the day, and no matter how tough it may be, that smile would definitely lift your spirits high and up.

However, i also feel that being together in the actual relationship is what that counts. Doing something stupid for someone wouldn't mean anything if you did not want to be with that person. So why walk out on a chance to surprise and cheer the person up (works both ways) on a regular basis? There is no reason to do so at all. But all in all, it always comes down to finding the right person.

What i ultimately want to say in this post is... Well, i should probably get some sleep before intensive training for TPDE Gems dance concert starts!

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Forgetful;

No doubt that i'm getting more forgetful recently with the increased levels of stress accompanied with the submission of a project for my Psychology module. That my friend, is certainly not a good combination. Oh well, moving on.

Valentine's day didn't go according as i thought it would but it's fine, no worries. I spent it with a few of my friends over lunch, bought my mom a rose and went for dance practice after. Nothing special or exciting.

I feel that on Valentine's day, everyone's rather judgmental. As in, if i'm getting a rose, it must be for my girlfriend, if i get chocolates, it must be for my valentine, and also if i wore slightly formal, i must be meeting someone special later (though this was part true, STILL!). No saying it was really detrimental to my mental health whatsoever, it's just a feeling i get and also the what people said to me on that day.

To me, Valentine's day is a reminder to love. Love with no regrets, love with no boundaries. It's a reminder to love yourself and to love others. It doesn't necessarily have to be your "other half", so to speak, or a date. It reminds me to love my family, friends, and also everyone around me. Valentine's day doesn't have to be all that lovely dovey shit, it could just be a day to remind everyone around that you appreciate their presence, those that aren't around anymore didn't deserve the appreciation and those that are around have shown you their love.

Okay, need to get back to my work soon.

I enjoy the company of friends, enjoy good music and enjoy good food. Just wanna take this opportunity to show appreciation to my sorta "long lost" friend, the initiation and courage took to make that call was great appreciated, i enjoy the conversation we had, study hard!

To all my other friends, thanks for being there, being right here.